Column Doris Schweizer #2

 

A few weeks ago, Kathryn Berthine launched her new book “STAND”. I can highly recommend to read it! It’s not just about equality, it’s about creating change. I first met Kathryn during team camp in California in 2016. We directly found a good connection. I didn’t tell her about filling out a complaint to the Ethics Commission of the UCI and I didn’t know about “half the road”, but it was obvious that we both were very determined women who’d always choose the challenging road over the paved in order to become better and make change happen. She definitely inspired me to go ahead with my complaint even though it could have put an immediate end to my cycling career.  

March is the month of the women, and the 8th of March is international women’s day. I posted a photo of myself citing Hannah Gatsby: “there is nothing stronger than a woman who rebuilt herself.”

Today I will share my story behind this. In 2017 I had to put my sports career and basically my whole life on a hold to recover from a burn-out and a severe head injury. A year before I was among the best in the world in the GrandTours and double National Champion. What happened to that girl who just put a stellar season into the books?

There are those wonderful stories about supportive parents and champions... I haven’t been one of those lucky daughters or gifted athletes. Mine is more a rags-to-riches kind of story.

I grew up in a family of musicians, so my parents didn’t know how to react to my desire of becoming a road cyclist. They desperately tried to push me into a music or academic career but I preferred playing outside and being active. My mother finally convinced my dad to allow me to join the regional cycling club. It all started very quickly from there. After half a year into the sport I stood on the podium at Nationals which was a shock for everyone, but mostly for myself! I got the nickname “raw diamond” in the scene. I hated it back then but diamonds are the hardest known material, so it fit pretty well I think!

 

During that time my parents got divorced. I am the “youngest” of three sisters. Our parents just wanted 2 kids, but then my mother got twins the second time, I obviously wasn’t a planned child. I had to fight really hard for every little thing. My parents couldn’t afford a race bike, so I really appreciated the support of that cycling club! Sometimes I had to ride behind my dads back because I wasn’t as good as my sisters in school and he wouldn’t allow me to ride if my grades didn’t improve. I think the more he tried to push me into school the more I rebelled. When my mum left, I had to grow up overnight, stepping in her footsteps and to stand up against my dad to pursue my dream. We had terrible arguments. Some words really hurt. Riding my bike was like diving into a fantasy world! Maybe that’s why I sometimes still listen to Disney songs on my rides...;-)

When my sister went out partying, I stayed home, went to bed early and woke up by the time she came home to go to a race. Whatever I did, it never seemed to be good enough for my dad. We were like an angel and devil for him. I could never live up to his expectations, simply because I’ve chosen another direction in my life which he couldn’t understand. His anger wasn’t about me personally, but I couldn’t see it this way back then. For a teenager I was extremely focused on my cycling career. I lost the connection to my family more and more because I missed family events, birthdays and graduations. When I became National Champion, they read it in the newspaper. We didn’t talk about cycling in our family. That always kept my feet on the ground but it also dissociated myself from them.After my graduation I went to Italy to become a professional cyclist. I never felt so lonely in my whole life. I didn’t speak any Italian, I had no clue about this business, and I had to trust people I’ve never met before. The pressure as the only foreign rider on the team was very high. It was rough, it was challenging, but I persisted.

When I was at home I was busy with work because I got paid very poorly on that team but I had to pay
rent to my dad. That year, I completed my first Giro Rosa, the biggest women’s race. A dream became true. Riding into Bergamo after 10 days was a very emotional moment which I shared with my Italian team what made it even more special! This was the start to a personally beautiful career! I quit my job to race full-time for two more years in Italy. I could race and train all over the world and I met amazing people. I could never have imagined that I would get all those opportunities. Italy became my second home. I fell in love with the country, its culture, its people, and the language! Winning the bronze medal at Worlds in Ponferrada with the most special team I’ve ever been on, “Astana Bepink”, was the most emotional and wonderful moment in my career! It also marks the end of my time in Italy. There was a new Swiss team, “Bigla pro cycling team” and I couldn’t turn down their offer. I let money speak over the heart. Not a good choice for myself.

The first months I came along with Campana pretty well. He’s really good when it comes to tactics and preparation for a big event but he couldn’t control his temper, and being half German, half Italian makes for an explosive cocktail... At Nationals I contradicted him. He wouldn’t tolerate that from a rider, especially not from a little girl. That was my last straw. From there everything escalated and I found myself fighting against Campana while still racing for him! It was totally crazy!! I could tell you hundreds of episodes... He’s smart and he was very good in reading personalities but so was I. I decided to stand up for myself and in what I believed even though I knew as a rider I was in the weaker position.

Once I had a four-eyes talk with him in the team camper. He almost slapped me while he tried to emotionally blackmail me to re-sign for another year. I didn’t crack! Not for a million dollars I’d have re-signed... I couldn’t go straight back to my room because I was really upset, so I just walked around in the hotel trying to calm down. I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone, not even to my own team (I tried to hide them at breakfast and dinner to not causing trouble for them but what a ridiculous situation – he knew I love the Italian culture of sitting together, I’ve got the point). I still talked to everyone I wanted to; he could tell me what I have to do in races but not what I do in my personal life.

I fulfilled my contract until the end of the year. We even parted ways on a respectful base. He was impressed about my character to show up for the last race in SA in November and I made peace with him even tough it seemed to be too good to last.

When Iris Slappendel asked me to fill out a complaint, I hesitated because all I wanted was looking forward and not talking about it anymore! Once again I chose the challenging road...

By that time I had no idea how much this step would affect my career, my life and my health. I still believed in justice.

In March 2016 we got informed that it’s not possible to stay anonymous and that Campana would get to read every statement. It takes a lot of courage to file a complaint like we did because it puts yourself in a very vulnerable position. The stories are very personal. By that time I stood in the middle of my career. Iris Slappendel was in her last year and Carmen Small also thought already about a retirement plan; so they were in a slightly different situation. I already had an idea about Campana’s influence in the sport and that this could be a career ending action but I had no idea how emotionally painful this process would become.

He accused me of hiding my concussion and said I was laying about other things too. I’ve had a very tough year but at some point I could tell myself, it’s not about me, this guy has a problem with himself. But that people would believe him more than me, that really hurt, it hurt so badly. There are no words to describe this pain.

Because all the indictment happened during the old code of ethics, Campana could not be held liable, so no action was taken against him. This was really hard to swallow. I had to pay for my treatments myself – because no insurance would cover those costs because I continued racing and there wasn’t an official report. Unfortunately, the consequences of this concussion accompany me today. I lost my trust in justice (in sports) and in the UCI. And with the newest case of Healthmate director Van Gansen, they failed once again...

He tried everything to destroy my cycling career because he knew that was the point he could hurt me the most. He tried to manipulate races. His riders weren’t allowed to talk to any of us. I was anxious to run into him at races or to ride across his car in the caravan. And that seems to be totally alright...

When my grandfather died by the end of 2016, I hit rock bottom. He was the most important person in my life and I didn’t had the chance to say goodbye because I was in Girona, Spain.

He always was very proud of me, he never tried to change me, he never judged, he always tried to understand and support. He was the person who inspired me the most in my life and it seems like he knew I’d be ready to get back up my feet without him when he passed away.

I still miss him every day but I know he’d be proud of the person I became! It has taken some time, a lot of tears and even more setbacks to rebuild myself as a person and an athlete but I am proud of the woman I became through that. The journey was worth the struggles.

I might not have become world champion but I believe I’ve had a positive impact on this sport. I hope this story can inspire other young woman to pursue their dreams, to believe in themselves and to STAND up for themselves! If you can dream it, you can achieve it! We all have the power to create change...