Column Doris Schweizer #3

A year ago, we were in the middle of the first lockdown. The covid-19 pandemic started to take control over our lives. The last 12 months, I was pushed beyond what I thought was possible.

I worked more than ever or not at all, putting my cycling career on hold to dedicate all my energies to helping a company survive. I was separated from my friends, family and love - sometimes I wasn’t sure if I am capable of handling what this pandemic has been asking of me. It surely has taken away something, but there were also opportunities and lessons along the way. There is no rainbow without rain.

Today I’m reflecting on what it has taught me and how it has affected my life.

In January 2020, I had a very clear life plan: I had the opportunity to start a paid, full-time practical at my work place which I’d needed for university and enjoy my last season before I’d retire from professional cycling to switch my focus to my academic career. I was excited and grateful for the opportunity to slowly transform from being an athlete to being a student and entered 2020 energized with the possibilities. At that point, I thought I am exactly where I want to be in life. Until the pandemic thwarted my plans...

I didn’t expect that I’d loose all I worked for over the past decade within a day: my practical, my work, racing, social connection and financial security. I felt as if I were in a movie, standing in front of a rapidly spreading fire as my entire life was about to be engulfed in flames. I could only watch in shock.

On the outside I was someone who had no problems, who was always smiling, who could make anyone smile and encourage anyone. Until the pandemic condemned me to do nothing. I was slowly breaking and drowning in my mind and I kept it bottled up inside. I found myself gasping for breath. I was missing pieces of myself and I didn’t know where to find them. I didn’t know what to do with myself and my life. Every time I looked at the clock, I hoped the hands would turn faster... Every “tiktok“ would bring me a little closer back to racing, work and social life. I am glad I didn’t count all the 33 million “tiktoks“ until today!

I went on long adventure rides and I voluntary worked for a local beer brewery – that was a very welcome change of scenery. I spent a lot of time in nature. I went for long walks or just sat at my favorite place by the river. I was forced to be around myself 24/7 – horrifying. Eventually, though, I found out that my company isn’t that bad.

 Even tough the whole situation was somehow surreal, freaking scary, and uncomfortable, it also offered me the chance to take life a little easier and taking care of myself. Taking care of yourself is something so underestimated nowadays. I’ve known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and found my way out of the depths. This has given me a huge appreciation of life and filled me with a deeper loving concern. Going through a pandemic didn’t seem unbearable anymore. It was like a mirror that showed me all the things I’ve taken for granted or that I didn’t appreciate enough.

I started every day with a cup of coffee on the balcony, thinking about what I appreciate in my life. For example, I was still allowed to ride my bike outside or I could go to the supermarket and buy some fresh berries anytime. Others were less fortunate. Or simply having the time to enjoy that coffee in the morning. I started to live much more in the moment and enjoy the little things. I was happy. I was relaxed.

The time in isolation made me realize how much I miss my friends, family and the people I had around me every day. I couldn’t imagine that I’d ever get separated from them all at once. With the travel ban between USA and Europe I also got separated from my love. You have no time frame for how long you’d be separated; that has been the toughest part for me. You suffer in silence, you don’t want to talk about it because it hurts too much. It remembered me of the importance of receiving a smile or a kind word and it filled me with compassion. Whatever social status, color, gender, age or nationality someone has, this pandemic didn’t stop for anyone!

In May, I could finally return to work. A very emotional moment, it was such a huge relief! You may laugh at me, but once again my life went out of control – probably it just never was ordinated, hm. I desperately begged the hands of the clock to turn slower or just rest for a little while, just long enough to take a deep breath, exhale...

I felt like I couldn’t keep up with the speed my life has picked up. Within 2 weeks I became a shift leader. That brought a lot of responsibility, especially with the Covid-19 regulations in a fast food restaurant. I appreciated the trust and the opportunity offered but it also pushed me beyond my limit several times. Sometimes I worked more than 50hrs/week, sometimes I was so exhausted that I started to cry when someone asked me how I am. You can hide a lot behind a mask but eyes never lie... You can’t hide your pain from your friends. There was no “me-time“ for a few months during a time I’d have needed it the most. I had to sacrifice my own plans, dreams and feelings in order to do the best for the society and the company. I had to deal with a lot of frustrated, violent and desperate guests. That has been very heavy on me and even more to push my crew into the “shark pool“. I tried to be as kind, supportive and understanding as possible but it all has taken out a lot of me and there was nobody who could take care of me. When I felt tired, I had to be strong, when I was down, I had to encourage my crew. I got tired of being strong, of always doing the right thing. At some point I wasn’t able to properly train anymore because I was so exhausted and overstimulated that I needed those minutes on the bike to connect with myself, to feel myself, to feel the wind in my face, to breath in fresh air, to soak in the last rays of sunshine and to let go of all the negativity. Riding my bike outside kept me happy and healthy. It was like a gift.

After the rain comes the sun and if you’re lucky, you find a rainbow. Somehow I adapted to my life and I found my place in it. During that time I also rediscovered my passion for racing and cycling. I found out, that it isn’t time for me to hang the bike on the nail yet. I am really impassioned about working with young riders and growing a team, that's where I see my role and what drives me every day on the bike. I enjoy it much more than when I was younger because I don’t put all that pressure on myself anymore. I’m still hungry, but I am much more relaxed about everything. I trust the process and I trust my feelings. But most importantly, I have fun and choose wisely where I put my energy.

Saying this, I must admit I also learned to always have a plan B, better a plan C and even better a plan D haha ;-). I’m supposed to fly to Colorado in 3 weeks for an altitude training camp and some local races but by today I don’t hold a NIE (“National Interest Exception“) in my hands. Basically at the moment I am not allowed to enter the States. I try to not worry too much about it and not getting over-excited but hell yeah, I might get to start racing soon (after 1.5 years). Hip-hip hurray!! ☺ There is a rainbow on the horizon!

I hope next time I can tell you about my time in Colorado, my team, racing and altitude training.

Most importantly, I enjoy life and I really appreciate all the good people around me that keep me happy when it rains on me! I’m happy and healthy, that’s the most important thing and I am excited and ready for whatever life throws at me... Either catch it if it’s good, or hide it if it’s bad, right?! ;-)

 

Meanwhile, don’t forget to ride your bike and enjoy a post-ride beer from time to time as well! Cheers of a lot of happy miles and smiles! ☺